‘Where does I go in?’ she cried

The Guardian, supposedly a left-of-centre, republican-leaning (that’s non-monarchist to you USA-ers, not Republican with a capital ‘r’) newspaper, has joined in the royal wedding media barf-fest.

Truly. Yesterday they had a double-page spread on Kate Middleton, who has, as far as anyone can tell, done nothing of any significance in her life, apart from being about to marry well: no job (no, three weeks working for a clothing chain and a nominal job with mummy and daddy do not count), no career, no apparent aspirations beyond marriage and (we assume) children.

All fine and good — these are acceptable aspirations, if of interest only to the holder of them and her family. But as they are not being kept private, it is worth noting their, um, shall we say, scantiness.

So, back to the Guardian. Two pages on someone with her attainments is a tough ask. But the heroic Patrick Barkham proved worthy. ‘Middleton dresses herself’, according to ‘one royal source’. Hold the back page! (And her sippy cup: there is no evidence that, although she is obviously a whizz with buttons, she can manage a glass yet.)

When I was two or three my mother decided I was old enough to dress myself. She left me sitting on the floor surrounded by my clothes. Ten minutes later she came back to check progress. She found me, still naked, turning my vest round and round in my hands, fretting, ‘Where does I go in?’

Kate Middleton’s found where she goes — and that’s fine. I’m just not sure why the Guardian followed.